Password Protected

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The small semblance of sanity that John was able to feign over the years was cracking.  His need to control me and hurt me infected every minute of every day.  The courts had essentially sentenced us to house arrest and I felt as if he was my warden.

His need to control me was magnified.  His desire to be aggressive towards me strengthened.  He made is his main mission to make me feel uncomfortable, weak and threatened.

He started limiting my access to accounts that had both of our names on them.  My cell phone mysteriously stopped working and when I tried to sign into the online account to fix the issues, I found out I didn’t have access.  I tried to call the phone company instead and was told they were instructed to only speak to the primary account holder, which was John.  I asked John if I could have the password but he refused, saying he pays the bill… I just get to reap the benefits.

He put a password on the television as well.  When I asked him if I could please have the password so that the children could watch TV , he refused.  He told me he put the password on the television as a parental control.  I stated that I understand that, however I am also a parent in the house and I should have the password as well.  I gently asked, “Don’t you see how that might come across as controlling?”  To which he responded, “Well you don’t want to be a part of any of this, so why do you care!”.  Meanwhile the children were watching this interaction and taking it all in.

If there was any doubt that he was doing these things to exercise control over me and punish me, it was clear as day now.  I reminded him that the children and I are often home without him and they like to watch TV sometimes.  I would need the password to allow that.  He just looked down at his phone and ignored me.

The thing that really gets me, is that I was so used to this behavior at this point that I just shook my head and accepted it.  This is just who this sick, controlling, narcissist was.  It affected all of us.  It made our living environment toxic.  He was miserable, so he needed to make us feel miserable as well.

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